Q: You write that we often suffer from our fixed ideas and being too attached to our own viewpoint. Yet, you also write that the Buddhist concept of "nonattachment" is often misunderstood by Westerners who tend to assume that "nonattachment" means one can't marry or have other close relationships. Could you explain?

Nonattachment means an inner detachment that is far from indifference or complacency. Equanimity and balance are the result of restraint and moderation, which are important values on the Buddha's Middle Way. The Buddhist heart is ecstatic, not static, overflowing with spontaneous joy. Relationships are such an important part of life; friendship and intimacy is the heart of the matter. We need not throw away or reject our family, loved ones, and friends; the question is, are we overly invested in and overly attached to them, and what is the cost. My close friends and family are just about the greatest treasure of my life, and I assume that's true for many, many people, if not for all. Moreover, my lovers have taught me a lot, as much as any guru has; I thank them and am grateful for that.

Q: You compare romantic love to open heart surgery. How do you mean that?

Love is challenging. Intimate relationships can be incredibly difficult. Yet in many ways, the pounding we take can tenderize us; even broken-heartedness can help open our hearts to the pain of the world and help us feel what others feel.

Romantic love can transport us beyond ourselves and open realms of giving, caring, and sharing. It allows us to experience something beyond ourselves; it is a personal way to experience oneness and can be a revelation of what's possible in the heart of divine love.

Q: One of the most important tenets of Buddhism is that we must live according our deepest heartfelt values and take advantage of the wondrous opportunities our life provides today. What are four basic thoughts that can help us sort our values and priorities?

The following reflections can help us grounded in reality and conscious of what's truly important:

1. I have been blessed with a life in which I can do many things to further my own happiness and the happiness of those around me.
2. Life is short; there is no time to waste.
3. The journey through life isn't supposed to be easy; it's supposed to be real.
4. Our karma is the one thing we carry with us always.

Q: Buddhism seeks to teach us how to transform ourselves so that we will be able to love as purely, as unconditionally and unselfishly as the Buddha loved. How can we find a way to do this through the stresses of modern life?

It's helpful to look closely at others and ourselves and see how much we are alike, and how we all want and need more or less the same things. There are actually Buddhist practices through which we can learn to feel what others feel, to develop genuine empathy and compassion, and to see things through the other's eyes; then we can understand where they are coming from. By practicing exchanging self and other and learning to put ourselves in the other's place, we can really begin to live up to the spiritual ideal of treating others as we ourselves would be treated.

It is my practice when I make a decision to think about what Buddha would do, what Jesus would do or might do, in such a situation. I remember one day the Dalai Lama telling President Clinton in private that whatever decisions he makes should be based upon compassion. I try to be guided by this principle, regardless of whatever travails life brings me.

Q: When you say Buddhism is all about letting go and getting real, what do you mean?

In Buddhism we train ourselves to let go of the illusions, fantasies, distractions, and conditioned responses and habits that confuse our lives and keep us stuck. The practice of meditation is a tool that helps us to cast off the barnacles of conditioning and get real, to find who we really are--the beautiful, wise, and loving Buddha buried under all the sludge.

Q: What are eight practical steps to helping us connect with who we really are?

The first step is to Recognize that This Is It, that this life we have right now is our chance to be happy and do good, to learn and grow. Our life is our path, and all of our joys and difficulties are just what we need to awaken.

The second step is to Connect to the Lessons in Our Own Lives, to stop and take time to reflect on what is happening in our lives and to begin to discern the patterns of cause and effect, so that we can see where we can make changes.

The third step is to Pay Attention, to notice our projections, interpretations, attachments, and perceptions.

The fourth step is to Understand Samskaras, or tendencies and inclinations. Samskaras are those tendencies we have to respond positively or negatively to certain situations or people, our psychological conditioning. By seeing our own samskaras, we can...

The fifth step is to Connect to Our Spiritual Warrior. The first task of the Spiritual Warrior is to get honest about our thoughts and feelings, to bravely and honestly acknowledge our essential core of goodness as well as face and deal with the layers of problematic conditioning that are wrapped around this Buddha within.

The sixth step is to Contemplate Our Lives.

The seventh step is to Use Mindfulness as a Tool.

The eighth step is to Connect to the Present Moment through the Power of Now.

Q: What is authentic presence? How does one achieve this state of being?

Authentic presence is who we truly are, rather than all the stories we make up about ourselves and all the barriers we erect and roles we play. We can choose to be more authentic, to drop our personae and our masks. This allows us to connect truly with others and to drop the exhaustion of pretense.

We can cultivate authentic presence. We can give ourselves time in which to make a commitment to be as true, honest, and real as we can be-it could be for one hour a day or one day a week or month. During this time, we can try to remain centered and grounded in our actual moment-to-moment experience and follow the following suggestions:

1. Be natural. Feel free enough and unencumbered enough-unselfconscious enough-to just be yourself, without airs or anxiety.
2. Be simple. Keep your language straightforward and your dealings with yourself and others as simple as possible.
3. Loosen your tendency to control. Resist the impulse to unnecessarily interfere with outcomes. Don't struggle so much to make things happen the way you want them to. Let others be. Let yourself be. Let it be.
4. Be authentic. Put your stories aside and try to become like a child and experience everything anew.
5. Stay open to the world around you. Be inclusive and accepting. Try not to be so judgmental. Invite and allow.
6. Stay aware. Pay attention and be mindful of your experience moment by moment.
7. Stay wise. Practice letting go of the extraneous, of old huts and angers, judgments and attitudes. Cultivate a fresh perspective.
8. Be spontaneous and let your energy flow naturally.

Q: How can we use meditation as a relationship tool?

Meditation helps us become more aware of our feelings and reactions. It can help us notice an emotion as it arises and experience that emotion as pure energy, and it can help us slow down our reactions and make intentional and wise choices about how to respond to others. In bringing attention to our interactions and perceiving which of our buttons are being pushed and what reactions are arising, we learn to be more spacious, open, and loving in our relationships.

Q: Why is it important to challenge our assumptions?

(126-8) Our assumptions keep us separate from others. We often assume that we couldn't become friends with the hundreds of people that we meet each year because we perceive that they are somehow "different"from us. We decide arbitrarily that people who are different from us could not possibly fit into our lives. These assumptions deprive our lives of richness and texture and leave us with fewer possibilities for making joyous connections with our fellow beings.

Q: You have a chapter on "Crazy Wisdom." What is "Crazy Wisdom?"

In Tibet there is a spiritual tradition of often-incomprehensible behavior, behavior which is often unconventional or unpredictable, but which reveals a heightened form of lucidity that is able to cut through superficial conventions and customs. It is based on the brilliant insight into how things actually are, as opposed to how they appear. Crazy wisdom shows a direct, raw appreciation for life as well as a cosmic sense of humor.

Q: What do you mean by saying, "Use lemons to make lemonade?" How can we embrace our difficulties and learn from our painful experiences?

Make stumbling blocks into stepping-stones.
never give up.
persistence and diligence.

We can use everything we meet in life as grist for the mill of awakening. Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche used to say that the more shit you encounter along the path, the better your spiritual flowers will grown-so long as you know how to use the shit as fertilizer. This is the "vajra" (diamond) approach, where we transform even the greatest poisons into wisdom.

The ancient Tibetan practice of "Turning Happiness and Suffering into the Path of Enlightenment" trains us in taking all of the "shit"--the heartache, suffering, and pain-life brings us and using it as fertilizer for greater spiritual transformation. This practice trains us to let go of the idea that we don't want suffering and focus on accepting our difficulties without becoming anxious about them and even to learn to embrace our difficulties and appreciate them for providing us new ways to grow spiritually.

Q: As well as His Holiness The Dalai Lama, you also quote from sages of other religious traditions, including Reinhold Niebuhr, Martin Buber and Teillard de Chardin? How is their wisdom relevant to Buddhism?

I have long studied the perennial philosophy and the wisdom traditions of the world and naturally draw upon them in my own teachings. That's why I often quote from various traditions and the sages throughout the ages, for they are living inspiration for me. Truths are many, but truth is one. All spiritual paths, I am sure, lead to the same goal and share a common ground. I think of myself as part of a bridge generation-a bridge between the East and West and the past and the future and between rationality and intuition. I think it's important today to cultivate a non-sectarian, or post-denominational, spiritual perspective, which I think can help revitalize and transform the atmosphere of contemporary spirituality

Q: What is the Buddhist practice of Tonglen? Would you explain what it is and how can we use it to develop empathy, compassion and a generous spirit?

Tonglen is the ancient Tibetan practice of "giving and receiving," part of the Tibetan Lo-jong, or Attitude Transformation Practice. Tonglen evolves from the sentence "Give all profit and gain to others and unselfishly accept all blame and loss." This is a mind training practice meant to help us root out egotism and dualism. It is a way to transform our attitudes toward people and situations that we naturally dislike, or even fear.

Q: What is your prayer for the new Millennium?

My prayer and New Millennium Resolution is this: to dedicate this life and all my lifetimes to the selfless service of spiritual enlightenment through working for the peace, harmony, and liberation of all beings. This is our heartfelt aspiration: That we may be the greatest that we all, together as well as individually, can possibly be.

May all beings everywhere,
be awakened, healed, peaceful, and free;
May there be peace in this world,
and an end to war and poverty;
and may we all together
complete the spiritual journey.

Q: Is Buddhism really a religion?

Of course Buddhism has become, since Buddha, codified as one of the seven religions. So it would be silly to say that it is not. But it is more an ethical and psychological philosophy or way of life than a religion, since most dictionaries define religion as a belief system including the belief in a supreme creator, God, and so on. Buddhism takes more of an agnostic approach than that. And its thesis is about dissatisfaction and suffering, and the concept that the end of dissatisfaction and suffering is nirvana or enlightenment.

Q: What is it about this ancient religion that is so appealing to Americans now?

I think many people are somewhat disenchanted, or like myself, did not find what they were spiritually longing for in the religions of their family background or origin. Many of us have sought elsewhere before discovering the practical, experiential path of practice found in Buddhism. It encompasses the benefit of working unselfishly toward a better world, but it is also individualistic in the sense that it is a do-it-yourself path. You awaken the Buddha within and you become enlightened, just like the Buddha did. This is a very modern or American outlook. And it is scientific in the sense that it doesn't require any belief or dogma. It is something you discover and find our through your own experience.

Q: Does one have to convert to Buddhism in order to embrace its practices and principles?

In general, you do not have to convert. In fact, many religious leaders today like Benedictine and Catholic abbots and rabbis practice Buddhist meditation and come to many Buddhist meditation retreats. They find the view, the meditation practices, and the Buddhist psychology very complementary to their own spiritual path and beliefs. It enhances their own inner experience.

Q: Can one follow, by oneself, the practices and rituals described in your book, or does one need to have a personal spiritual teacher?

Having a spiritual teacher can be helpful, just like having parents in life can be exceedingly helpful. But even if one is an orphan, one can still grow up and have a fulfilled life. It's a little harder, but one can still do it, and maybe that adversity makes one stronger. So while my books are geared toward those people who don't have personal spiritual teachers in their lives, I do discuss the benefits of developing a practice with a spiritual teacher or an elder - as well as how to find and relate to one.

One of the most important things I learned from my own Tibetan teachers is that sacred traditions are built around the experiences of individual men and women who have had direct mystical experience of the spiritual path. I discovered that there were guides and teachers who were able to provide spiritual road maps, pointing out pitfalls as well as shortcuts. Experienced teachers can help seekers understand these maps and develop and grow along the path. We can learn from their experience, and they can inspire us along the way, and model how to live a beautiful, loving, and spiritual life. Today, there are many authentic spiritual teachers who walk their talk and live in the truth. It's not just something that Jesus did or the Dalai Lama does.

Q: Does one have to give up one's job, family, or friends to achieve enlightenment?

Not at all. It's true that a spiritual journey almost inevitably begins with a decision to renounce or change dramatically a certain way of life. But that decision involves inner change and transformation, and is less about changing your environment or letting go of people or things. So you don't have to walk away from responsibilities, friends, or families, or shave your head and go live in a distant land. But you may have to give up something even more dear to you - your cherished attachment to your ego and opinions, and to the unexamined beliefs and assumptions that you've inherited from family or from society but that may not be fulfilling you. Doing this may be hard, but it's something you can do right here without renouncing your life.

Q: What is the Buddhist concept of rebirth? How does it apply to our daily lives?

In Buddhism, the doctrine of rebirth describes a belief in innate spirit, which constantly evolves and changes, retaining its essential nature as it passes through various manifestations or incarnations. So one dimension of rebirth is that we don't just begin when we're born and end when we die. Another dimension is that personal, individual rebirth applies not just to the afterlife, but also to here-and-now, moment-to-moment existence. We have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves continuously, and we do. Our mind is constantly changing; each cell in our body changes every seven years; every out breath we make is a little death, and we are consequently reborn every instant. Understanding the true meaning of the concept of rebirth allows us to accept the inevitability of change. It teaches us to let go of the things we can't hang on to, and it enables us to understand that we all have the capacity - in this lifetime - to become representatives of that which is good, wise, and mindful, and in so doing to help these things be born again and again in others.

Q: How does the concept of God apply to Buddhism?

When we talk about our experiences of the divine, we don't all use the same vocabulary. Sometimes we use the same words and mean different things; sometimes we use different words and mean the same thing. Buddhism is not a theistic religion, but rather a way of life and an ethical, psychological philosophy of awakening. So, in theory, Buddhism does not deal with theology, or God as creator or eternal being. But while one hears little or no reference to the word 'God' in Buddhist countries such as Tibet, one does hear a great deal about concepts that Western religions associate with a belief in the divine presence: infinite wholeness and all-inclusive completeness; refuge and protection; being at one with oneself and with the universe; compassion; and unconditional, deathless, divine love. And some Buddhist teachers - even Eastern, traditional monks - do use the word 'God' to help us understand that the Ultimate in Buddhism and the Ultimate in theistic religions may just be two sides of the same thing and are not necessarily that different.

Q: Some people see spirituality and therapy as being at odds. Is it possible to integrate psychotherapy and Buddhist meditation?

Yes. The goals of psychotherapy - bringing insight, realization, freedom, and less suffering - are highly compatible with the main thesis of Buddhism. One-third of the Buddhist canon of old concerns psychology and psycho-philosophy - how to understand the nature of the mind, its consciousness, and its workings. So psychotherapy and Buddhism are very congruent practices; and particularly in America there has been a mutually beneficial cross-fertilization between the two approaches. Many Western Buddhist teachers I know are practicing therapists and psychiatrists. And conversely, many therapists, psychiatrists, and healers today are practicing Buddhist meditation. Even if they're not Buddhists per se, they're doing mindfulness meditation, which is also taught in hospitals and other situations without a Buddhist overlay.

Q: You're a self-described "Jewish boy from Long Island" who has studied and practiced Buddhism for nearly thirty years. Looking back at your own spiritual journey, do you think that it is in some way representative of contemporary religious experience in America?

In some ways my experience is unusual in that I've dedicated my adult life to Buddhism, and I've spent much of my time in Asian monasteries, ashrams, and retreat centers. But my own spiritual path is also rather typical of religious experience today in that it's eclectic, questioning, includes Western and Eastern styles of education, and engages the life of both the mind and the heart. When you talk to spiritual seekers in America today, you discover that many of them are attending their religion of origin on Saturday or Sunday, going to yoga class on Monday or Tuesday, to therapy on Thursday, and so on. All these practices are very complimentary, and they help people to feel better and live more wisely and productively, to have a more loving and joyful life. In the end, we are who we are and we find our way home, and that's the beauty of the spiritual path today. It gives us the flexibility to try different things and to create a spiritual life for ourselves with the resources that are already around us. We live in the land of plenty, and in the information age it's all there for us. We only have to seek it.

The Six Building Blocks of a Spiritual Life:

1. Daily personal practice
2. Spiritual study, reading, and self-inquiry
3. Group work-retreats, lectures, workshops, weekly group meeting
4. Personal inner growth work-therapy, men's and women's groups, 12 Step Programs
5. Teachers, elders, and mentors
6. Service/seva